Well.
It’s almost been a week at the scary Public School.
And I’m not entirely sure I don’t hate it with every fibre of my being.
I did something really odd today. I put on my old uniform. The nice, safe uniform from the nice, safe Private School. I miss it so much. Acutally, I miss the idea of it. And the vague possibility of ever being there with all my friends ever again. They love The Public School. They are never going to leave it; they cope well with change… you’d think I would too, having moved across the world twice.
But I can’t even handle moving school down the road. I can literally WALK to The Private School during lunch and I still miss it terribly. And I’m scared of being forgotten there.
I’m trying to concentrate on the good things about my new school (there are few) but I keep thinking of everything that will never happen again – we will never be in our uniforms together again. We will never sit in the sun at recess and laugh again. We will never have incoherent debates in Maths again. We will never sing in the choir again. We will never catch the Private School schoolbuses again. We will never be in a place where we are known by all and cared about, ever again. This is something that is never going to happen.
It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to cry.
And I know it’s no use living in the past, but the sad, sad state of the present is not exactly helping. I mean, what at all is good about The Public School? Um, not an awful lot. The campus is disgusting. The classes are huge and suck. The students are weird, unfriendly and rude; the teachers crazy. I hardly know anyone. I’m getting really sick of my friends. The only redeeming feature is that it’s going to come top in the city for year twelve results.
Man, I’ve got to stop doing stupid things like putting on my old uniform.
Yesterday I was feeling quite positive about the whole thing. Yesterday… all my troubles seemed so far away, you know? But now it seems as though they’re here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday.
So basically I’m sitting in my room mourning the passing of an era that was always going to pass. Which is completely futile. And stupid, considering I have Maths homework to do.
And it sucks, because pretty much everyone from The Private School loves it; not just my friends. So nobody understands my woes. They all look blank when they ask me how I’m finding it and I say I prefer our old school. But I am really trying to make an effort to like it. But everyone I try to be friendly to is either really strange and has their whole life story out in six minutes or doesn’t want a bar of me. And for a reasonably shy person like myself, that is a complete slap in the face.
And to top it off, I have discovered that Ackers and Jex, my two main friends, (the ones who are abosultely a-lovin it) are COMPLETELY anti-social in new situations. Ackers doesn’t even seem to want to keep up with the Private School kids, let alone make new friends. In fact, she is slightly clingy (it’s a very unhealthy relationship with a very long story to go with it.) In short, being good friends with her means that you don’t get to be good friends with too many other people. Jex is a bit better, but tends to scare people off with her intensity.
Which might explain why I’m hanging onto Lules Bobo for dear life. She, on the other hand, is extremely sociable and made about six friends before recess on the first day. I have no idea how she does it, but she does. So she’s like my one lifeline to, I don’t know, the REST OF THE SCHOOL? Ackers and Jex are still convinced she’s going to ditch us for some weird drama kids or something. In fact, I reckon they’re hoping she will. Just so they don’t have to interact with other people. They’ve mentally constructed a select little group (them and myself) that they don’t have to venture out of for the next two years.
And that scares me to death.
I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be stuck exclusively with them for all of college. I could barely handle ONE CLASS with the two of them in year nine, and that was when I had five other friends in our group to count on.
I’m trying to be all “strong” and stick it out, learn to depend on myself and have an independent ego and all that Rand jazz, but I just can’t find it anywhere. I feel like I’m suffocating in the remnants of the past, the dismal present and the two long years I have ahead of me. I’m all depressed and possibly having a breakdown.
Quite simply, I think I want to go on posting.
